life's short...

a serious bout of depression just hit me today.

a night when i feel down as usual.

a night when i lament about how life is so short, so unpredictable, so cruel to some yet so generous to others.

been following up on this piece of taiwan news. there's this really pretty taiwanese female artise who died after many hours of struggling, after a freak car accident. she's just 28. still have lots of things that're unaccomplished, and it's just so sad to read news like this. i hate anything that has got to do with death. It's just so scary. It creeped near me that many years ago, took papa away silently. Left me lost and desolute. 4 years ago, that was. But the scar still remains. I've been through the pain of losing a beloved one. But just imagine the pain that the parents have to cope with, losing such a beautiful angel. I can't really imagine, actually. Because I thought it'll always be more painful for a parent to lose her child than a child losing her parent. So many years of upbringing, just hoping that the child will be a good and happy one, leading a life of her own, building a family she can call her own. But now, everything's over.
I just hope they will be strong and carry on with life.

So life is short. Life is unpredictable, I must repeat.

step aside, unhappiness

this is the time when i think i should stop dwelling on my unhappiness. but it's difficult.

this is the time when i thought i should just buck up and be good. but i just feel evil inside of me.

i thought i was good. i thought i gave in my best efforts when i was working there. but when i got to know that some things just never change, some people just never change their opinions of you, no matter how hard you've tried, you doubt yourself alot. At this point, i'm just a very demoralised soul, as if i was never and will never be capable of anything anymore.

Feels like shit. Total shit.

dream a little dream...

Talking about Dreams...

Do you dream alot? I mean both day-dreaming and real dreams as in those that you have when sleeping. okok, i see you rolling your eyes at me. ok yah so you know...

Well I dream alot everyday. I day-dream about anything and everything, everyday. And I have weird dreams just about every night too. I assume the reason for so maybe because I'm just someone who tends to think too much, imagine too much, worry too much. That probably explains it.

I love day-dreaming. Because it doesn't cost a thing? Because in my own world of imagination, anything can be possible. I can be a rich man's daughter. I can be a cool dude's sister. I can have a super charming boyfriend who treats me like a princess. I can own my dream dog- a golden retriever called Bobby. I can be a top-notch director who wins awards at all sorts of film fests.

I can be anything that I want to be.

Day-dreaming is simply a mechanism which I use to make myself feel better all the time. Because I guess I just feel that I'm a loser in reality, with no skills or talents to boast of, with no one whom I can really confide in, no one whom I can really devote my love and affection to. Day-dreaming relieves me of my stress and unhappiness. It allows me to be in control, it allows me to design the way I want to lead my life. I am the master of my fate in my own imagination world. Sometimes I wish my own imaginations can really come true one day, but it's often not possible. It gets too depressing often as well, when you realize how much of a difference you are from your imaginations, then you start to keep thinking that you're a loser, and this feeling doesn't get better at all. It drags you down to the pits, makes you feel rotten over and over again. Day-dreaming is a double-edged sword.

Maybe I should talk about what got me started on this whole rattle about day-dreaming. Cause i just watched this local film in class today. * Singapore *Dreaming. Nice show. Truly. Although the issues conveyed in the film are typical Singaporean issues, that've been touched upon too often in *Jack *Neo's movies, but this film is different, it tells the story of Singapore in a really realistic yet depressing manner. A truly refreshing film apart from the usual local films that we've seen in recent years. At least this is the second movie that can ever set me on a rather melancholic and very thinking mood. I love films which made me think alot, about the issues conveyed in the film or just about life in general. There was this scene where one of the male characters was talking to this mainlander bargirl, where they share about their viewpoints on life. The male character is a Singaporean who complains that he couldn't fulfill his dream as a rock band member, and had to succumb to the miseries of life by doing the things that he doesn't like to do in order to make a livelihood, but yet it's not as if he's really good at music or what. He practically just "dreams" to be a musician, that's all. No further efforts, nothing, just letting the miseries of life bury him alive, while he continues to dream. While the mainlander girl is one who does the things that she doesn't like to do in order to achieve the dream that she wishes for, and that is to be a fashion designer.

This is the scene which left the deepest impression on me. I thought how apt a portrayal of who I am really. I'm just like the male character. Wishing to be someone that I will be proud to be, but yet do I even put in the efforts to achieve my dreams? Do I even know where I want to be, and what i want to be? I'm only capable of dreaming, complaining, dreaming, complaining. Choosing to do things with the easiest way that I can find. Then sit down and cry when things don't really go my way. Complain and only complain when people don't do things the way that I want them to. But this is not what my life should be. This is not what LIFE should really be about. No one will ever be bothered with spoilt brats who don't give a damn to helping themselves. No one will take pity on those who chooses to burrow in their own miseries, licking their own wounds. Because this world already has enough losers to last a few centuries.

God only helps those who help themselves. A warrior is someone who dares to dream and dares to maker her dreams come true. A coward is one who only knows how to burrow in pain and screw-ups, and period. She does nothing else done to remedy her plight. I want to be a warrior. I want to be someone that I am proud to be. So maybe I should really give myself a hand now.

WAKE UP YZ. FIND YOUR OWN DIRECTION. GET BETTER AT WHAT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

upset....

feeling extremely low and lousy now.

upset about my incompetency.

upset about how "average" my grades are.

upset about the fact that i may be at the extreme lowest end of my cohort.

upset that i may not get a decent honors degree... third class? second lower class?

upset with my mum, upset with the fact that she doesn't know how to take care of herself. upset with the fact that i have to worry about her, like how a mother would do so about her daughter, just that in my case, the role is often reversed.

upset about my financial well-being. upset about not being able to get a decent-paying job that is of my interest.

upset that i may not have enough bucks to make it for the europe trip.

upset that he actually deleted my pics off his friendster (i can't really blame him or be sore about it, since i was the one who did so first)....but still......

upset that i'm actually looking like shit now, totally unglam and disgusting.

upset that i may not find someone whom i can really trust in and be happy with.

UPSET. CAN I JUST WORRY LESS AND BE HAPPY????

tired.

tired. really so tired. just kinda got done with fyp filming.

2 whole weeks of filming. continuous! non-stop! ok, maybe not that continuous. (we rested on new year's eve) BUT....that's still craziness! Di-9 IS SO HEAVY! think if i continue shooting for like another 3 weeks, i think my shoulders will just give way and break on the spot! imagine if my future career is being a camera-person, guess i can just go for a sex-change, because i may just become really stout and beefy from these weight-lifting trainings...

hmm..a review of my fyp shoot... i think the shoot was fine, although kai was very disappointed with her own performance. i think otherwise, everyone did their best! and this really made the project possible, at least at this point in time i guess. everyone was great! the gaffer, alex... he was amazing! he did the lighting for 8 full days, with no complaints at all. we would be so dead if without him...and so many other people...the PAs...all the very zai people, they really made things alot better. thanks! our main lead, bryan the boy, he's soooooo cute la. besides being a little kpo sometimes, he's always cute, can't help squeezing his face everytime when i stop rolling the cam. my de-stresser indeed...

BUT. of course nothing can ever run so smoothly afterall. because we've got to deal with this ultra money-faced, pragmatic stupid man. i hate him to the core! sucks! argh...okay, no vulgarities. but i really can't believe there's actually someone as disgusting as him! some one should just stone him! i hope i'll never ever meet up with this guy ever again.

okay, well u can see that i'm being extremely patronizing, just writing for the sake of writing. cause my arms, fingers and erm the whole body's aching like hell...OUCH. REST PLEASE. will continue some other day when i'm in the mood baby.