lost

apparently the boss's leaving the team in a month's time.
i should feel happy, should i?
but no i feel unexplanable prangs of guilt. was it my fault? but seriously the nightmares that she had given me would have killed me over and over, anyone with less persistence would have left several months ago.

so why is it that i'm not feeling happy at all? maybe cause she has suddenly turned into an angel, and is quite nice to me now. smses with smiley faces. my gosh. i was horrified.

well this only goes to show that: "there are no permanent enemies nor friends, just permanent interests". how apt. the irony of life just baffles me most of the time. leaves me lost and unsettled.

convinced

i'm so convinced that this job really brings out the worst in me.
- bad attitude
- tactless
- slow reactions
- paranoid (overly)
- depressed
- easily distracted

why is this happening to me. this is the first time that I'm actually feeling so lost.
i'm suddenly so screwed up, that i cannot explain and cannot think of a better way to rectify this whole situation.

i just screwed up some interview, and needed my sup to settle this for me.
i feel so useless and dumb. like totally lost.
what did i say or do? was i rude, why did i piss the interviewee. and the worst thing is that i haven't had a clue of what i did. just plain stupid of me.

this is really a horrible night. i feel so unsettled, so scared, breaking out in cold sweat every single minute. i hate this feeling. is it really time to just succumb and tell myself that i should find another way out?

yes this job does bring about happiness at times, but the unhappiness that's chalking up inside me really just blinds me. at the very beginning, work only means work, and i'll just go to work without feeling anything, no negative feelings at least. i kept giving myself different reasons to be motivated. but recently, i'm just so tired. i dread going to work. i'm so tired till i'm tired of telling myself not to look and feel so tired. i'm starting to hate all of this. but yet i haven't had a single idea of what i want to do in my life, just lost. n troubled.

untitled.

sometimes there are too many questions left unanswered.
sometimes i wish i have an answer to all my questions.
what is wrong with me.
why do i keep hoping for the impossible.
why can't i be realistic and down-to-earth.
and i just can't focus well anymore.