杂乱无章

杂乱无章 (一) ：人心的复杂

是不是我的问题？
总觉得疲惫，丝毫对任何人事物都提不起劲。心情经常无端地跌入谷底，也没有什么人欺负或惹毛我啊。错。正确地来说，其实别人说的话实在是无须理会太多，所以我根本都没理由因为周围的人而难过吧。但是，心情就是无奈，沮丧。

我实在不想让自己一直这样，心情郁闷。所以就想方设法让自己轻松，例如去购物，看电影，吃好料。可是，原来快乐是短暂的。悲伤却是无止境，它就像个搬不走的房客，怎么赶都赶不走。可是别太担心，我还好。这并不是逞强。但我想现代人大概都是这样吧，生活过得好好的，但人就是会感到不愉快。是人生真的太苦，还是人实在太贪心，人心实在太复杂了呢？

杂乱无章 (二) ：想对朋友说的话

亲爱的朋友：

请不要给予我任何安慰，或是想开导我，或者是想问我为什么。对不起，我也不想这样子，但是最近的我真的好讨厌回答“为什么” 的问题。可能是因为工作的关系，每天都得面对这么多人，无时无刻都得说话，应酬。所以真的不喜欢朋友们在阅读过这个部落格后，问我“为什么” 诸如此类的问题。我真的很明白朋友们都很关心我，很疼惜我，但是如果我想说的话，我自然会说出来。不说就是代表不想说。真的不明白为什么现在会变成这个样子。只能说，现在的我一放工，就非常珍惜自己的个人时间，很不喜欢浪费时间解释自己，更讨厌需要和别人辩论一番。现在的我，就是喜欢做什么，就做什么，喜欢随性，喜欢临时约人出去。喜欢不说话，就不说话。累，就是此刻的心情写照。

杂乱无章(三) ：怀疑与恐惧

不喜欢和男生交谈。不知道要和他们说什么。怀疑他们的居心。这是后遗症吗？那个臭男人的影响有这么大吗？应该不是吧，应该是自己的性格本来就是这样，无法从男性朋友那儿看到真诚的心。总觉得他们无时无刻都想想方设法从你的眼神或动作中探知你的心，想要让你爱上他。别傻了男人。实在无须如此耍帅，只会让人觉得厌恶。此时的我还真无法让自己陷入感情，即使是曾幻想过或暗恋过，但是一想到真的要和这个人发展出一段超乎友情的关系，就全身起毛，马上感到恶心，随后就开始讨厌起那个人。这是我所谓的恋爱恐惧吧。或许中心已经不在于寻找能给我幸福的人，而是在寻找能让我幸福的方法。此时，这首歌在我脑海里盘旋。

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食
因为你总会提醒 过去总不会过去
有种真爱不是我的
假如我不曾爱你 我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置
因为你总会提醒
尽管我得到世界
有些幸福不是我的


杂乱无章 (四) ：想对你说。。。

知道你找到幸福了，应该为你感到开心的，因为你是值得被爱的，值得拥有一个属于自己的人。但是，我却无法开心起来。我太自私了吗？是我觉得他从我身边抢走了你，还是我已经习惯你在身边。但是我很害怕你受伤害。可是当我从你口中知道你对他的信任，我不自禁地感到不自在。为什么有种心如刀割的感觉？我实在不能这样子。因为我想你在作任何决定时，都是深思熟虑的。你一直都是那么的一个人。别误会，我并不是在反对，因为这是你的选择，我尊重你的一切，再说，我又凭什么反对呢？

这样的感受，我原来没办法亲口对你说。

TGIF

Thank God it's Friday! :):)

Today was exceptionally light-hearted, happy, satisfied,everything! That's probably because we went for 2 food tastings in a row. Lunch was Korean buffet, and dinner was New Age Mediterranean cuisine. Talk about the perks of being in the media line, heh. But hey, if we draw a comparison to the food that we eat in office canteen everyday, this is like stepping into Heaven and meeting a saint or something. Totally cool. Although I almost burst my pants just now, it was all worth it man. And yes, how can I ever forget about the alcohol?! Damn, alcohol just made my day man, made me feel so breezy and high.......

Well and since we couldn't possibly go home on such a high note, we went over to Vivo to SHOP! Bought 3 tops at discounted prices. They were all damn COLORFUL la, so unlike me....so mood really plays a big factor in shopping too. Hmm...I mean when you're kinda happy, all bright colors made sense to you, even if you wouldn't be caught dead in bright colors (on normal days). I need more pants too! Cause someone discovered that I always wear the SAME few pairs everyday to work, damn. OK, SHOPPING ROCKS LA, but this kinda only applies when you're one week away to PAYDAY. :) More shopping! More pants!!

Sick.

Totally sick. Sick of making mistakes.

Sick of the fact that everything I do for work must be all so carefully monitored, failing which there may be dire consequences. Damn. I just wish that everything will be okay. I will be safe and sound for everything that I do for work. Damn. These heavy responsibilities. Makes me so goddamn worried and freaked out everyday. It's like my life is on the line everyday, every minute and moment is torturous, not a minute can be spent just being "blur". I have to be on the alert every single second. On one hand, I'm excited and so looking forward to all the new things that I'm going to learn, but on the other hand, I just feel so tired. Tired of all these. Sometimes I just wonder why is it that I can't be a simple "don't think so much" kinda office lady/admin executive. But I refuse to refute. I don't want to succumb. To all these awful ideas that I keep having about work. Seriously, think I need a shrink or something. No I think both me and qy need a shrink or something. She's kinda insomniac these days, so tired but yet she can't get to sleep. I reckon it's due to work-related stress. At this rate that we're doing, we may end up being happy buddies/next-door neighbors in you know where. Ok, maybe not that serious. But still.....you get the idea right.

On a side note...
Relationships are a hassle. A big hassle. But wherever there's the presence of human beings, there are relationships being cultivated, thereafter your lives are changed forever.

There are people who hurts you, people who provides you with so much entertainment, people who irritates the shit out of you. And of course there are people that you wish you could have known earlier, people whom you wish will never ever leave your sight, because they are such fun to have. You can't expect anything him/her, because that would be tremendously stupid and silly. Yet, somewhere in that little corner in your heart, you wish you would have mattered alot to him/her. You just allow yourself to indulge in something like a one-sided affair, a self imagined relationship/friendship, whatever. He/she may never even know what you feel, or rather even if they do know, they couldn't do anything about it, can they? It's too late. They could never ever be your companion, because there's already someone else beside them.

Such sadness that I'm painting.

I'd appreciate if you do not leave comments that tease, because I'm certainly not in the mood to entertain any comments of that sort, thank you.

over-repeated

It gets me exceptionally frustrated when I have to repeat the answers to these following questions in office ALL THE TIME:

"How old are you? (23) Oh...you look very young hor?"
To which I always have the urge to answer: "Yah la, of course la. Younger than You.You 100 years old Oak Tree!"

"Are you an intern? (no. I'm full timer) Oh...because you look very young la..haha"
What you mean? You mean I look damn unprofessional is it??

Trust me. This simply gets on my nerves. Seriously. And especially when things have not been going too well on you, you'll feel angsty and you just have this urge to twist off the other party's neck or bite off his/her head, if he repeats the same set of questions. I mean yeah maybe it's a compliment, at least I look youthful and bubbly and cutesy n etc to these people. But, I'm just not happy at these "compliments", because I really think it kinda means I don't look professional to you, that I'm not serious about my work? But that's totally untrue, because I am serious about everything that I do, I want to do a good job out of everything, and not having people think that this is all child's play. It's especially unfair when you just get judged by your exterior appearance, being denied the chance to be given an equal platform to perform and to be judged. In fact, this gets me so upset that I almost wanted to break down quite a couple of times, in the toilet...at my seat..damnit, but I just can't cry. Because that would only prove that they're so damn right about me. But what to do, I guess I'd just have to keep my cool about all these comments. Whatever.................