looking at the people around me

i took a look around the mrt, and saw many people.

people who were alone, like me.

people who were with friends, chatting happily.

people who were with lovers, carrassing disgustingly.

suddenly, some random thoughts struck me...

"How well do we understand the friends that we thought are our closest?"

"How well do we understand lovers whom we thought we know everything about?"

These could be people whom we bared our hearts to, people whom we thought always think in sync with us. But they could actually harbor other thoughts about you. They don't actually trust you the way that you do. They don't actually reciprocate the way that you think they will. Why oh why do I think this way?


Expectations.

Maybe that's the reason why such thoughts struck me suddenly.

It's the expectations that I always have of people around me, that I start to doubt the relationships that I have with the people around me. Always expecting them to think of me in a certain way, always expecting them to treat me the way that I think they should. Expecting this, expecting that...

I don't know, but I'm beginning to dislike myself. I hate the way that I am. Sometimes when I'm just extracting myself from the situations that I'm in daily, I realise how much of a freak and irritant I am. The way I talk, the way I behave, the way I look, disgusting and highly unlikeable.

Useless with no special skills, dumb with no brains. Such an unintellectual person who doesn't deserve to have any expectations of others. Not even worth it. An empty vessel. That's what I am.

I don't like to self-sympathize, because that wouldn't warrant anything but more despise from others. Or maybe I'm too prideful to even sympathize myself or let others know that they should sympathize me.

This is a highly depressing night, when I just feel lousy and dumb.