i don't like...

i don't like this feeling of being under-rated...

i don't like this feeling of being seen as a useless manipulated puppet...

i don't like this feeling of seeing my works being cast aside as if they are unworthy...

i don't like this feeling of being unnecessary....

i don't like this feeling of not being able to do anything to help in my own work...

i don't like this feeling when I thought I've done my best in the things that I'm supposed to do, only to know that they are of not much of a use anyway...

i'm trying to dispel these negative emotions.

i'm not angry with anyone, i'm just hating this screwed-up feeling inside of me.

this pride devours me from within, making things terribly miserable for me.

Merry Christmas?

merry christmas...but where's the merry? what's the merry about?

while everyone's out partying, and having some sort of fun, i'm stuck at home.

feeling sore, angry, tired, sick of tactless people of this world.

feeling upset, useless, helpless about my unworthiness on this world.

Merry Christmas?

looking at the people around me

i took a look around the mrt, and saw many people.

people who were alone, like me.

people who were with friends, chatting happily.

people who were with lovers, carrassing disgustingly.

suddenly, some random thoughts struck me...

"How well do we understand the friends that we thought are our closest?"

"How well do we understand lovers whom we thought we know everything about?"

These could be people whom we bared our hearts to, people whom we thought always think in sync with us. But they could actually harbor other thoughts about you. They don't actually trust you the way that you do. They don't actually reciprocate the way that you think they will. Why oh why do I think this way?


Expectations.

Maybe that's the reason why such thoughts struck me suddenly.

It's the expectations that I always have of people around me, that I start to doubt the relationships that I have with the people around me. Always expecting them to think of me in a certain way, always expecting them to treat me the way that I think they should. Expecting this, expecting that...

I don't know, but I'm beginning to dislike myself. I hate the way that I am. Sometimes when I'm just extracting myself from the situations that I'm in daily, I realise how much of a freak and irritant I am. The way I talk, the way I behave, the way I look, disgusting and highly unlikeable.

Useless with no special skills, dumb with no brains. Such an unintellectual person who doesn't deserve to have any expectations of others. Not even worth it. An empty vessel. That's what I am.

I don't like to self-sympathize, because that wouldn't warrant anything but more despise from others. Or maybe I'm too prideful to even sympathize myself or let others know that they should sympathize me.

This is a highly depressing night, when I just feel lousy and dumb.

你很爱他?

当你决定　你要离开我　我没有说什么　就当作你自由.

有好几次我都想挽留　苦求也没有用　就当作是寂寞 ...

其实你很想他　就说出口吧 我已不想多说　捂住耳朵　不想再次听到你说　你很爱他

Random

Damn, just looked at my previous posts, and realized that I've been burying myself in the miseries of a bad relationship for so long. Almost every post is about him being blah blah blah and me being blah blah blah. Damn, life's too short to fumble about all these irritating stuff man.

Happy days are to come!'Cause there is hope in every single thing that we do, be hopeful and everything will have a good twist to it (hopefully). I've been through too much screw-ups in my life (be it by the doings of others or by myself), and nothing can be worse than anything that I've gone through. At least that's what I hope for...

But the best thing that can ever happen to me now is to drop some money from the sky, wahaha! Yeah! (keep on dreaming, cause dreams don't cost a thing)

And yeah...Kind-hearted souls are indeed everywhere! At least we've met alot from the start of FYP. People who are forthcoming, ever willing to help and guide you along. That's why we always say that we have "gui ren fu"! I'm just kind of touched at the way how some people go all out to help us, I mean they are not obliged to help, but they are doing their best to do so! Changes my perception of the school actually. Heh heh... This world is still hopeful! Okay, I think I sound really hyper happy these days, seriously I have no explanation for this, I try not to worry so much about alot of things now I guess, just let nature take its course, and that's it!
Worry only takes away the strength of today, right? Yeah agreed. (self-talking again, it's therapeutic)

I love my fyp jie meis more too..heh heh..This is a love confession to them. Opps. Though there are times when we don't see eye to eye with alot of things, but we've learnt alot these days. We're getting more organized now, everyone does their stuff and right now, we're still on track. Happiness! So hopefully, everything will be VERY smooth-sailing during production! Our hollywood film is on its way to success! Yeah!