My 3rd blog

My third blog in three years.
Why the sudden urge to start a blog again? I have no answer, you know.
It's just a sudden urge. I'm always governed by urges and desires. Sounds suggestive, hah.
I mean I'm just someone who loves freedom, hates restraints, loves doing whatever I feel like doing. Recently, I think I'm just suffering from some emotional disorder or what, just ain't feeling right, or rather to be more exact, feeling more wrong than ever. 'cause I've always been weird anyway. Just feel that I need an avenue to sound my suppressed feelings. Need somewhere I can rant and rant, without worrying that people may think I'm just being nonsensical.

Dear Blog,

Thanks for hearing me out again. I'm sorry that I've abandoned you a year ago.
Thanks for being there all this while.

In case you think I maybe a nut case, erm...I guess you're right. I do believe that I've already gone crazy a couple of years ago.

I am so not talking sense now, but who cares? This is my personal space!

Yes, I must have been crazy to have been with you for so many years.
I've forgotten why I am so unhappy all the time.
I've forgotten my reason for loving you.
I've forgotten what's the meaning of your existence, or rather my reason for existence in your so called world.
I'm always a stranger at the doorstep to your world. Never been in there at all, and I doubt I will ever be in there.

I need to break free from you, my decision is set, but alas, I can't bring myself to sound this decision to you.
I guess you already need to break out of all this mess, so it doesn't really matter whether I know how you feel, because I've always known how you felt about this whole relationship.
I'm just a substitute for someone, someone better.
Or maybe you're just a substitute for someone better, who's yet to come.
But I seriously loved you before. I thought I could be with you for the rest of my life, but when I realise I've been so unhappy all this while, I know that you're not the one for me. I've always known this, but I only allow myself to come to terms with this recently. It's painful. But now that I've come to terms with myself, and this rather thwarted mess, it's just a numbed feeling.

I cannot continue deceiving myself anymore. I can't allow myself to think things will turn to the better for us. That's what I've done all these years. And I've been unhappy since then. I just realise I'm the culprit for my own misery. By clinging onto someone who's just a total misfit for me.

You've told me before that you just can't love me more, when you know you should. You don't see a future with me. You think that it's unfair for me to love you more than you do. Three years ago and three years later, it's always been the same thing.

I guess I'm just tired. I need someone who's better for me.