baffled.

as i sit before my huge-ass plasma tv screen, typing this out...
life is baffling. too many people. too many thoughts. i'm just this extremely unhappy person, ok maybe not exactly unhappy, but neither am i happy. it's difficult for me to be happy, i wonder why is this such a challenge. i am structurally dis-functional.

ever encountered these moments when u feel like u're being cast in the dark every so often, u reach out your hands, but no one is there? i feel alone. i feel lonely...i hate to admit to this, but i've felt more lonely than ever before. i'm actually feeling...weak. against everything on earth. it's like i've already given up on myself. everything i've tried to make myself feel better just doesn't work anymore. taking up pilates and yoga...yes i feel energetic,healthier than before, but it's temporary. ok now i can hear u say "get a man, get f*cked" get it out of your system. but seriously does this really help alot? yes everyone yearns for someone to hold, to touch,to love, to be with. but it's also true that you have to love n hold onto yourself before you ask someone else for it, isn't it? i just don't know what else is there to be done to myself. i feel lost n perturbed. i wish i can have a clear train of thoughts,but usually i don't.
i guess i'm just too easily manipulated by my own emotions. by the many people around me. the past hasn't really left me behind yet, ever since that, the past never fails to creep up on me. i hate it. i hate it when i know someone is having the hell-of-a-good time, when he's clearly not deserving it. y m i so vengeful.y can't i for goodness sake get over it.

on a side note...

there are many people whom you do not know personally, and u wished u could have known him better. but alas there are no doors open. tunneling under is really too embarrassing and too tiring. at my age, it's quite a chore. i shall not attempt. but u tend to wish that your paths will cross, and that these people will not be running parallel along u, there are too many parallel lines. i need some right angles. some interception. please.

New Year Resolutions

I didn't quite get a good start to 2009. cause i've fallen sick for the first week.
but nevertheless i still sure hope that 2009 will be a terrific year, away from the horrors of 2008.

so i'm just going to spend some time writing out my 2009 resolutions, and i'm going to do my best to fulfill them.

- to be a healthier and fitter person (already took the first step out with trix. we've signed up for gym classes. pilates and yoga lessons await. )

-to be a kinder person (tried doing that,but life and work has taken its toil on me. i've evolved to be quite a scary bitch. old habits die hard. trying my best)

-to be a happier person(looking out for new jobs, to shake off the unhappiness from the present job)
work should not be something that brings out the negativities in you.it should be one that brings out the passion in you. work should not be viewed as serving time, if not, it'll create the inertia, and you'll be trapped in the vicious cycle, so i'm taking my step. a step back to look at what i've achieved and done for the past 2 years, realising that there could be so much more out there)