happiness

awhile back, i was still hoping for and pinning for some prince charming who would rescue me away from this miserable life. well every girl will hope for some fairy tale happening in their life, don't they? especially when i've just been through a "not-so-good" relationship, and the worst thing that could ever be was that i was actually still wallowing in anger and sorrows over that "oh-so-over" thing.

but now that time had passed. and life is somehow okay. i've realised that life has really taken on a different perspective. what is happiness to me, i kept asking myself everyday. is it finding that person whom you can share the rest of your life with? or is it something beyond that? looking at the people around, swimming blissfully in the sea of love, all i feel and see now is that i know what is defined by happiness better i guess. it's really not finding that person in life, it's about finding my own self-esteem, finding the ways that i could make myself happy, instead of relying on that somebody to give you the happiness that you want.

i'm just someone who has really low self-esteem, little self-confidence, that sometimes i don't understand why is that so. i'm always unhappy, always so negative about life, i don't even know what is respect to myself,i don't even know how to love myself, how do i expect others to love me the way that i want, when i don't even know what makes me happy? there are friends who have very kindly wanted to set me up with their other friends, with which i've kindly rejected. they say it's no harm knowing more people, widening your social circle. but i just ain't comfortable with all these, because i feel that only when i've really found myself, found the way to be happy, build up the self-esteem that i've always lacked, only then would i be able to enter this whole realm of "relationship" thingy. it's just not the time yet. i just haven't found a reason to commit to anyone now. because i'm still finding and discovering "happiness".

well so far, according to the yz dictionary, happiness is simply defined as the following:

- waking up and realising that i'm early for work
- going to work, and able to studio-direct to expectations
- eating a fulfilling meal
- watching good movies
- surviving a week's work
- retail therapy
- having friends who will always attend to my rubbish

and the list goes on...

what's happiness to you?

Playing Dumb

the only way to stay alive in the team is to play dumb. don't talk. don't complain.don't reveal any expressions of emotion.

seriously i wonder what's the problem with me, what's the problem with her, what's the problem with everyone.

experiencing shit every single day. so bad that i can't even imagine all these.

what's wrong? what's wrong? everyone has their mistake-making days, but it's tiring when i make mistakes every single time, but i really don't mean it. i've been trying very hard, but it seems that it's not hard enough. help me. i'm exhausted.