人生

原来人可以很脆弱。脆弱得让人无助。好似一个玻璃樽，一击就破。
昨天看似活泼的一个人，今天却已化成灰烬。
嗨，难怪人们常说事事无绝对，人生是无奈的。

生与死就只在那么一线之间。
好与坏也在那么一念之间。

但是谁又说做人一定得勇敢。有时的崩溃未尝不是一件好事。至少能大哭一场，大闹一场，能确实感受到自己的存在。只怕连崩溃也忘了，连感受也麻木了，无声无息地就消失了。

最近从朋友口中，以及新闻报道，得知大学的一个学长在车里倒毙。这消息令人感到错噩，震惊。“为什么” 这个问题在我脑海里闪过了不下一万次吧。

我与这名学长并不熟，只记得去年的时候，通过一名朋友认识他，和他吃过一顿饭，也和他交谈了一下。还记得交谈的时候，是要回家的时候，和他走到地铁站的那段距离。

他礼貌地先问我介意他抽烟吗。我说不介意。他就随即点了一根烟。我就问了他为什么要抽烟呢？他只是无奈地表示这是一个难以戒掉的坏习惯。虽然只是一次的会面，只是短暂的交谈，可以感觉地出他是个忧郁，可能又孤独的人吧。也听过大家说过在他快乐的外表下，其实是个不快乐的人，他的部落格也常常写得是一些悲观的东西。

写到这里，还是不禁要问一句为什么。但大概也永远也要不到一个答案吧。

无奈还是无奈。

但是有时候不免也觉得，其实人活着，有两个基本法。

一就是：可能就一定要厚脸皮吧。朋友不找你，并不代表不理你，那如果觉得心情郁闷，你就去找朋友吧，哈哈。以前我会常想为什么朋友都不打电话跟我哈啦，总是我打电话烦人。为什么朋友都非常地有life, what about me?曾经想过与世隔绝。但是，基于本人其实是个爱说话的疯子，所以并没做到。但是也幸好我是一个疯子，所以人生虽然非常不尽人意，却还活着。

二大概就是：一定要胆小。？如何解释呢？因为死是一件极度恐怖的事情。无论是因为身患重病，或是厌世，选择自行了断，在那最后的一秒，也会挣扎得激烈吧。就像看到一只鱼儿跳出水面，然后死掉的时候，难道不觉得害怕吗？那么可怕的死亡，没有一定的勇气，都无法面对。所以也庆幸自己怕死。自己是个胆小鬼。

好像很阿Q。但是嗨如果不这样，又能怎样呢？
但是其实写到这儿，我还是想说，亲爱的朋友们。。。。




谢谢你们听我哈啦！如果你们想要找人哈啦，听你说话，我在这里！我永远都有空的啦！我还算是个闲人(到截稿为止) ，嘿嘿！找我找我！！！

This challenge

A few days ago, I was just lamenting about how meaningless my job is. There were so many times, when I was just thinking maybe I really got into the wrong line. "This job is just not for me," I thought again and again, while waiting for the cab, while walking that usual route to the office and studio....

The show is too early, for goodness sake.
The show has so much content, but there's so little time. There's always lack of time for an indept interview, thus said equals to no complete understanding (so what's the point?).

But I wonder if there's more to this arrangement for me. Maybe there's a reason for me put into such a show at this very start of my corporate life. Everything is a new challenge to me, considering that I've never really done current affairs or news. Internship or fyp were all drama-based. Everything is kind of fictitious, self contained in that 24 minutes script. Not saying that drama is crap or what, but maybe 'cause current affairs is really such a far cry from the usual stuff that I've done, I feel more realistic in this job. Everything that you do, no matter whether it's just a simple 30 secs trailer or teaser, it has to be truthful, realistic to the core. Abit too serious for my liking initially. Not saying that I've loving this job at this point, but at least I can say that I left the office today with serious thoughts on my mind. And as usual, I like serious thinking, most of the time heh. Working out some stuff about work mentally while making my way home today, and came to my own consensus about this job.

Am I just doing this job, all for the sake of doing the job, for the pay, for the benefits, for the fact that I would like to settle safely into the "mainstream", being classified as an official employed member of this country?

Or do I want more than the above.

Frankly speaking, I have no answer at this point in time, too early to place a judgement on anything, I reckon.

But alas, neither should I just churn out interview questions, just for the sake of meeting deadlines, meeting people's expectations, right? Which I thought I've been doing this since work started. Maybe that''s why I don't really enjoy the process of work as far as I can say.

Do I just want to be some question churning machine? I don't, do I? I need some self-esteem in work, don't I?

Maybe that's why I've came further, to plot my own expectations for myself.

Finding the right angle to a particular story, of course. With more self efforts and thinking, definitely.

Finding the line between justified journalism and being all PR. Finding the line between seeking the truth and sympathy. Which got me really confused at this point in time. That's probably it at this point in time. Till further exploration and challenges, I guess.


P.S: Wait a minute, did I mention journalism just now? Gosh, can't stand myself being serious. I'm always a drama mama. But hey, I've discovered one/first plus point of this job, it's being a journalist and a producer, I'm both! I'm both! Double duty me. Bless me.

The First Week.

Yes. Yours truly had officially survived her first week of work.

Alas, it has been a rather healthy first week. Practically waking up at 5 plus am daily, getting off work at 4 plus pm daily. Breathing in the morning freshness, running and chasing cabs and buses.....and yes the day always seems so long every single day...

The first three days were terrible. Trying to adapt to the wee hours, trying to learn as much as I can. But trust me, only half of the stuff got into this semi-nocturnal being. It was not until the fourth day that I really got into the run of it, making exact sense of happenings.

Well, survived the outcasted period that I guess almost every new comer would experience. At least that I would hope so. Surviving it out there. Missing school suddenly. Missing my fellow peeps.

The First Day of Work

it's a very gan ga first day of work for me.

firstly, i'm too early for work. almost 1 hour before the stipulated time. damn, i guess those people must be thinking "come to work so early for what???so kiasu one..."

hai...and so they asked me to go to the canteen for breakfast. how would i even have the mood to eat breakfast, when i'm such a gan chiong spider by nature??

fortunately, very fortunately, zhu tou pi aka cheez came to my rescue, phew. at least her appearance helped to diminish the gan-ga-ness a little, and at least that made me feel less unwanted and unnecessary haha.

but the worst is yet to come.....when i went to report to my own business unit, i realised i am attached to the morning show! y not my favorite CA program. sian.

morning show.....have to wake up like at what time daily??? 5 plus am! i'm practically just back to my pre-university days, when i woke up before dawn breaks, to take the stupid bus to school...life has a weird way of arrangement for u sometimes. u go about life in a big circle. what goes around comes around?

ok, let's hope i'll have loads to learn, which i bet i will, but imagine my stress levels! it's like doing youthbeat all over again man. sleepless nights are to come....


*gan ga- embarassing

愤世嫉俗

最能让我厌烦与厌恶的行为，就是向我抛掷一大堆的问题。

因为我是个极度不耐烦的人。

不喜欢回答人们太多的问题，也不喜欢向人解释太多的道理，更加不喜欢与人吵架与辩论，除非是你惹毛了我。

因为我最讨厌吵架过后的僵局，那冰冷的空气让我畏惧。那沉默的气氛让我窒息。

我也不喜欢人们在看过了我的部落格之后，开始向我进行一项人生大逼供。我所要和所想说的都已经写在这儿了，你再问我，我也没有让你满意的答案。

最不喜欢的还有喜欢语带双关的人，一句话里就夹带了几百个意思。说的人不辛苦，听的人却感到恶心。

对不起，今天的我是个愤世嫉俗的人。大可对此不必理会太多。更加不须留言。

整理心情

在这停了电的下午，突然心血来潮想要整理一下书橱，把这些年来的手写与笔记都一概丢掉。

坐在地上的我仿佛很享受“毁灭”的感觉，手不停地撕着这些纸张，眼也不眨一下，毫不留情。

因为我一直的习惯都是在该学府完成了教育，才会把所有的笔记一一解决掉。

所以笔记常常是一座座的小山丘。整理起来是费力又费心的。

嗨。。。原来整理了尘封已久的书橱带来的是一阵感慨，感慨里面还夹杂着一些矛盾的解脱。

那感觉很复杂，难以形容。这感觉也似曾相识，几年前搬家的时候也体验过一次。

原来啊原来，这么多年的学生生涯就是这么一回事。

GASP.

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern South China around the year 700. Your profession was that of a shepherd, horseman or forester.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Revolutionary type. You inspired changes in any sphere - politics, business, religion, housekeeping. You could have been a leader.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to solve problems of pollution of environment, recycling, misuse of raw materials, elimination of radioactivity by all means including psychological methods.

Try it! http://www.thebigview.com/pastlife/

so it's true, maybe i was really some "wang yuan wai" in my last life! except that my profession is that of a shepherd, horseman or forester?? like what the hell man. i should be some rich merchant or trader man! bah.